Constructions of Difference Among Latino/Latina Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples more

9 Constructions of Difference Among Latino/Latina Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples Roxana Llerena-Quinn and Gonzalo Bacigalupe ere’s something [uncle Elver] doesn’t like about the news of a Peruvian husband: God made those people di erent. Not like us Anglican folk … Being a yanqui doesn’t make you better, - Tia Chaba sni ed. e norteamericanos have nothing over us. … (Arana, 2001, pp. 37, 123) ough it took place more than 50 years ago, this dialogue still resonates with the dilemmas of intermarriage in today’s industrialized world. Riding on a train, I [RLQ] overhear a middle-aged Spanish speaking woman telling another sitting next to her that she should discourage her son from dating an American woman. “ ey have another culture. ey don’t believe in family like we do.” What di erences are implied in this statement? What is the prevailing discourse about these di erences and what dynamics result from them? Given the persistent trend of high rates of intermarriage among Latinos, are there alternative discourses of resiliency that can be learned from those who dare to go contra la corriente, against the current (Andrews, 2003; Bacigalupe, 2003)? In this chapter, we explore emergent themes in Latino–Anglo intermarriage regarding perceived intercultural di erences. Intercultural di erences are explored by looking at speci c factors such as courtship patterns; ideas about family, language, and communications styles; and how couples make meaning about their di erences. e values attributed to intercultural di erences are o en negotiated against the backdrop of the dominant culture and the current social and political contexts from which these di erences emerge. Many of the themes in this chapter were elicited in an exploratory fashion with a group of 20 individuals, some of whom were couples from a 165 HW15409.indb 165 8/8/08 10:09:11 AM 166 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships nonclinical, middle- and working-class population. More women than men (3 to 1 ratio) volunteered for individual interviews, and all the women were Latinas. e focus of the exploration was limited to heterosexual, rst-generation Latino immigrants because of an expectation that the rst generation would be the most di erent from non-Hispanic Whites. We invite readers to witness this piece of writing as an evolving inquiry. Our hope is to advance the integration of ideas and to create metaphors that support and allow emancipatory forms of living, moving beyond current stereotypical metaphors that construct intercultural couplehood as a problem requiring a solution. Marrying a Latino or Latina in the United States Since 1960 the number of interracial couples in the United States has increased more than tenfold to 1.6 million, including marriages involving Latinos (Harrison & Bennett, 1995; Waters, 2000). ough intermarriage has always existed, current growth patterns are attributed to the Civil Rights Movement, which promoted greater social interaction among all races and to the repeal of anti-miscegenation laws in 1967 (Root, 2001). Such unions now account for about 4% of U.S. marriages, a share that is expected to increase in coming years (Fletcher, 1998; Smith & Edmonston, 1997; Waters, 2000). Despite this growth and the increased acceptance of intermarriage, there is evidence that negative attitudes toward mixed marriages still persist and that they are more pervasive among some groups (Rosenblatt, Karis, & Powell, 1995). A Washington Post poll taken during the summer of 1998 revealed that nearly one in four Americans still nds marriages between Blacks and Whites “unacceptable.” Other polls have found people more tolerant of White marriages to Latinos and Asian Americans, a feeling shared by some Latinos and Asian Americans, who say they encounter far less resistance to relationships with Whites than to those with Blacks (Fletcher, 1998). ese rates may be explained by the fact that nearly half of all Latinos self-identi ed as “White” in the 2000 Census (U.S. Census Bureau 2001a), possibly reducing the perceived social Au: Please add to refs? distance.1 Paradoxically, in other U.S. public opinion polls, Latinos are ranked among the least favored of all new Americans (Cornelius, 2002). In sum, current responses toward mixed marriages continue to be ambivalent in the U.S. society across racial and ethnic groups. Our society supports men and women who partner with those who are similar to themselves. e principle of homogamy, as the prevailing HW15409.indb 166 8/8/08 10:09:11 AM AU/PE: Chapter title had to be shortened to t running head. Pls. check wording. TS Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 167 discourse about couples, fails to provide space for discussion of the unique challenges and issues heterogamous couples must face and negotiate in both private and public spaces (Killian, 2003). is invisibility adds a layer of burden for these couples, but most unfortunate is the missed opportunity to explore the possibilities embedded in their potentially “revolutionary” e orts. Interracial and interethnic couples provide a vehicle for reexamining old assumptions about di erences and for learning how relationships can be transformed by the di erences themselves, allowing for “peaceful transfers of power” (Root, 2001, p. 28). Historically, most of the literature on interracial and/or interethnic studies has focused on Black–White relationships with little attention paid to Latinos and Latinas with non-Hispanic Whites in the United States (Bacigalupe, 2003; Wieling, 2003). e dearth of studies examining Latino intermarriage is surprising in light of the signi cantly higher rate of intermarriage compared to Whites and Blacks. While 93% of nonHispanic Whites and Blacks marry within their group, only 70% of Asians and Hispanics do (Harrison & Bennet, 1995; Waters, 2000). Conservative estimates have projected that by the year 2050, 21% of the population will be of multiple ancestries: Asians and Latinos will be the most mixed, at 35 and 45% multiple ancestries, respectively (Smith & Edmonston, 1995; Waters, 2000). Latinos’ high rate of intermarriage has a long history that precedes their arrival to the United States, and many Latino immigrants come from countries with mixed-race traditions. Some analysts suggest that these factors may make Latinos more open to interracial marriage, particularly with Whites (Fletcher, 1998, Jacobs & Labov, 2002). In the United States, rates of intermarriage vary by geographical region. In Los Angeles County, for example, one quarter of the U.S.-born Latinos have married interracially, and more than two out of three intermarriages include a Latino partner (Hayes-Bautista & Rodriguez, 1996). But the psychological research and clinical literature has not kept pace with this statistical growth. Furthermore, the heterogeneity of the Latino population provides a fertile ground for exploring themes and dilemmas that arise from the way di erences are constructed and negotiated by couples living in bicultural, o en unequal contexts. Latinos in the United States: Who Are They? According to a demographic report by the Pew Hispanic Center (2005), Latinos are the nation’s largest minority group. e 2000 Census marked HW15409.indb 167 8/8/08 10:09:11 AM 168 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships Au: 2002 or 2003? Please see refs? Au: Please add to refs? the Hispanic population at 35.3 million people, an increase of 58% over 1990. Since then, growth has continued at a brisk pace. e total Hispanic population in 2004 was 40.4 million. at is a jump of more than 14% in just 4 years. Meanwhile, the non-Hispanic population was up by barely 2%. e Latino population is expected to continue to grow from one in seven to one in four by the year 2050 (Guzman, 2001; Ramirez, 2000). In just two generations, the United States will have the second largest number of Latinos in the world, a er Mexico (Suarez-Orozco & Paez, 2002). Locating our Latino identity within the constraints of social research is complex and di cult. We are the representation of hybridization, a form of hybrid identity that existed long before postmodernism’s attempt to describe the slippery naming of identities. Far from being a homogenous group, Latinos represent many races and nationalities whose roots extend from the Americas, to Europe, Asia, and Africa. We represent many religions and many languages that re ect our histories of colonization, imperial expansions, and immigration, while having Spanish as the common predominant language. Latino history of intermarriage dates back to colonial times. e level of mixing and mestizajes depends on the ethnic and racial composition of the country of origin, and these levels vary from country to country. Latinos’ historical legacies and the high level of mestizajes sponsor both colonial and emancipatory discourses, providing the rich backdrop against which Latinos negotiate new sets of social arrangements through intermarriage in this country. Some Latinos, the Americanos, have been here before there was the United States, or before the United States came to them, while others are Please report still arriving (Suarez-Orozco & Paez, 2002). Two thirds are from a Mexican Au:percentage? as origin, 14.3% are from Central and South American backgrounds, while 8.6 and 3.7%, respectively, come from Puerto Rico and Cuba. About 6.5% describe themselves as other Hispanic and two of ve Latinos are foreign born (Ramirez & de la Cruz, 2002). Latinos account for better than half of all new immigrants to the United States each year. Once in the United States, Spanish continues to be the main language, although many are bilingual. Unlike other immigrant groups, Latinos are holding onto their language and culture with passing generations (Kao, 1990; Portes & Rumbaut, 1990). As a result of Au: 1990 or 1999? Please English immersion laws and assimilation policies, a much smaller group see refs? speaks only English (Kao, 1999). e heterogeneous nature of the population de es generalizations, and the very term Latino has meaning only in HW15409.indb 168 8/8/08 10:09:11 AM Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 169 reference to the U.S. experience. Outside the United States, we speak of Mexicans, Cubans, Colombians, Salvadorians, Puerto Ricans, and so forth. e term Latino glosses over the contradictions, tensions, and ssures that o en separate us. We have varied histories, cultural sensibilities, and current social predicaments. e vectors of race and color, gender, socioeconomic status, language, immigrant status, and mode of incorporation into the United States shape our experiences (Suarez-Orozco & Paez, 2002). ese diverse experiences, political preferences, and consciousness are re ected in the names we call ourselves: Dominicans, Mexicans, Mexican American, Chicano, Xicano, Puerto Rican, Neyorican, Boricua, Rican, Hispanics, or Americanos, to list a few (Comaz-Diaz, 2001). en, what do Latinos have in common? Unlike other immigrant groups—Europeans, Asians, Africans—Latinos share a common language, whether or not they still speak it. Most Latinos also share the experience of immigration and a history of unequal association between their homelands and the United States—a country that has in uenced and sometimes dictated political behaviors in Latin America. In the United States the experience of Latinos has been obscured by the binary “Black– White logic” that has driven racial relations in this country. For example, in an attempt at identifying Latinos in the United States, until the 2000 Census, Hispanics were classi ed as another “racial group,” a method of collecting information about a heterogeneous population that obscured the racial diversity and diverse experiences of Latinos in the United States (Suarez-Orozco & Paez, 2002; Torres-Saillant, 2002). e term Latino, for example, does not di erentiate the experience of a Mayan, undocumented, monolingual worker from that of a third-generation Cuban medical student (Suarez-Orozco & Paez, 2002). A er the 2000 Census, the term Hispanic or Latino has been de ned as an ethnic group or as a person of Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican, South or Central American, or other Spanish culture or origin, regardless of race. “Ethnicity refers to a group’s common ancestry through which individuals evolved shared values and customs” (McGoldrick, 2002, p. 1). ese values and customs are transmitted through generations by family and reinforced or invalidated by the surrounding community. Either way, ethnicity becomes a powerful in uence in determining identity (McGoldrick, 2002). To understand the Latino identity or identities, one needs to deconstruct the multiplicity of social identities, contexts, and histories that shape our cultural experiences in the United States. For those who are interculturally partnered, this is a task that is negotiated in both the private and HW15409.indb 169 8/8/08 10:09:11 AM 170 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships public realms of the couple’s lives, where the visible (i.e., race or language) and invisible di erences (i.e., class experiences, citizenship privileges) that delineate their identities impact the relational context. Constructions of Difference in Relational Contexts e experience of di erence makes visible to us aspects of our identities that might otherwise have gone unexamined. When this happens, the unmarked piece of identity suddenly becomes relevant and important (Jones, 1997). is new awareness brings about an “awakening” process by which our identities also can evolve as we negotiate di erences between our inside and outside worlds. Power and privilege also permeate the construction of identity (Deaux, 1993, Espiritu, 1994; Reynold & Pope, 1991). Depending on how power is applied to di erence, the experience of difference can be self-expanding or self-constricting. A diminishing, subtracting process can adversely a ect relationships. Although all couples negotiate power, intercultural couples further negotiate power di erentials imposed by the social context. e manner in which intercultural couples perceive and negotiate the di erences can bring about potential liberatory or oppressive consequences for individual partners or the relationship. In eliciting discourses of di erence that emerge in relational contexts, we asked ourselves and others, “Do partners perceive intercultural difference as constitutive of their relationship?” If so, “Where do they locate the di erence?” Does a couple locate di erences in the realm of country of origin or in ethnic, racial, language, and other markers related to intercultural relationships? If so, what meaning is made about these differences? Moving beyond the couple itself, we asked if these di erences are perceived by others. What is the role of the network, the extended family, the neighborhood, and others in perceiving di erence? How might these constructions by others play a role in the couple relationship? Using previous work that examines various constructions of di erence, we explored discourses of di erence among intercultural couples (LlerenaQuinn, 2001). A very basic stance is the one that denies intercultural difference or minimizes its signi cance on the individual or the couple. Any existing di erence doesn’t really make a di erence. Another stance recognizes that di erences exist but perceives them as existing in the di erent “other.” is stance espouses the “superiority” of the dominant culture, and di erence is seen as a source of de cit. We are in America and we need do things the American way! Assimilation to the values of the dominant HW15409.indb 170 8/8/08 10:09:11 AM Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 171 discourse is seen as the goal. Another ethnocentric stance o en complements the ones described above. One partner assumes that the spouse is “the other” and, as such, is the one with a culture. One member of the couple becomes the omniscient observer, the “neutral” anthropologist without a culture, while the other is transformed into the “exotic native.” Di erence is located in the “cultural other” and not in the “regular” dominant self. Although the partner from the dominant culture may have benign good intentions, adopting a benevolent, paternalistic stance re ects unexamined assumptions about culture, power, self, and other. Relationally, all of these stances render invisible the needs and experiences of the less dominant partner. Although these stances can have an oppressive e ect on the relationship, an ongoing and continuous negotiation of dialectical di erences can bring about evolutionary and emancipatory shi s. e pro t-business motive stance is beyond the scope of this chapter but needs to be mentioned. Although ultimately one needs to question the conditions that give rise to these arrangements, legal, social, or other status motives may also sustain or form the basis of an intercultural relationship. Not unlike older man–younger woman, rich man–trophy wife arrangements, the most well-known case is of couples that marry to be able to obtain documentation to work legally in the United States. Immigration laws play a tremendous role in the constitution of couples. e introduction of timelines that are foreign to the feelings and familial circumstances of the couple distort expectations about marriage and commitment. How does a partner know that the other is not exploiting the relational commitment? What are the rules that the couple ends up establishing vis-à-vis their legal situation? A more fruitful relational stance is found in those couples that are explicit about the mutual value of interacting across the cultural divide and are able to continuously negotiate their evolving cultural identities. ese relationships are ones in which languages are mixed, hybridization is legitimate, and the reinventing of di erence as a plus appears throughout the relationship. ese couples are aware of the self-expanding and self-enhancing value of their di erent cultural a liations. For example, a er over 20 years of marriage, Jack, a third-generation French Canadian, still describes his wife Celia’s tightly knit Cuban immigrant family as “vibrant” and “alive.” Celia’s family, in his eyes, has all that his family lost through assimilation. Jack has embraced their “lively energy” and supports his children’s identi cation with their Cuban heritage. He supports his children’s bilingualism, even though it has been hard for him to learn a second language. He believes knowing two languages is an asset HW15409.indb 171 8/8/08 10:09:12 AM 172 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships that bene ts the children now and in the future. Celia, on the other hand, describes her marriage as “liberating.” She enjoys the independence she has learned from Jack. She comes from a family where grown children talk to their parents everyday. Her own father visited and talked to his mother every day until she died. Celia, although close to her Cuban family, does not feel she has to talk to them everyday. Each partner brought di erent skills and resources into the marriage that expanded their own resources and choices. In the next section we introduce central factors and metaphors that provide the background against which we will explore life cycle themes. One has to do with how a “clan,” “tribe,” or “family” is de ned in di erent “nations” and cultures and the other with how di erent nations negotiate these di erences. e joining of clans and nations are metaphors that help us understand some of the issues emerging among intercultural couples. Differing Clans and Conceptions of Family: Nuclear vs. Extended Family De nitions of family vary in terms of who is included and how xed the boundaries are around those relationships. e literature about Latinos has emphasized the notion of familism, the overarching priority that the family as a group has over the individual. Latino families, however, fall along a continuum between individualism and collectivism; however, a general tendency exists toward embracing the group over the individual and strong connection to the extended family. Latino spouses report differences in forms of connection and interaction between their families and the families of their spouses. Many report a strong family orientation, which at times is misunderstood by their partners, who might confuse enmeshment with the mutuality and closeness that characterize families that strongly prioritize responsibility to family. Previously unfamiliar with the Latino culture, Greg decided that a er the wedding he and Carmen would not live near her Cuban family in Miami. He feared engulfment by both the extended family and the strong presence of a larger Latino community in Miami. On the other hand, Latino families who have had less contact with people outside their communities also tend to stereotype non-Hispanic White families. A Dominican mother voiced opposition to the news of her daughter’s engagement to an American man because she feared that he would erect an impenetrable boundary between mother and daughter and that her Latino family would lose her to the new nuclear HW15409.indb 172 8/8/08 10:09:12 AM Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 173 family. Fear of cuto s can become a threat to the integrity of continuing bonds with the family of origin. e non-Latino partner may need to adjust to the process of being inducted as a new member of the Latino extended family. In the case of transnational families, whenever possible, visits to the country of origin and visits by the family abroad may facilitate the process. One must be aware that Latino family visits to the United States may last longer than those by U.S. families and even though this may be a potential source of tension, this also creates the opportunity for the strengthening of cross-cultural bonds. Immigration: The Couple as the United Nations e theme of immigration is central in understanding intermarriage between rst-generation immigrant Latinos and non-Hispanic Whites. e metaphor of the couple as representatives of nations helps us understand these immigrant experiences (Bacigalupe, 2003). e questions that follow were created in a clinical context but o er a compelling metaphor of couples facing the challenges of intercultural conundrums. We could ask couples questions like the following: In what country was the Latino partner born? What are the sociopolitical issues in the global/local contexts associated with membership in this nation? What are the relational histories of that nation and the United States? How does the couple relationship mirror the present tensions about immigration in the U.S. society? Similar to the narrative therapy techniques, in the work with couples (GB), these questions have served to normalize and name the impact of experiences of immigration in the couple history. Marta, a Cuban-born political science professor, came alone to the United States when she was 13. She was sent to the United States by her parents to “save her” from the revolution only to grow up a devoted admirer of Fidel Castro. Paul was attracted to Marta and her history, but he wanted her to be less opinionated around his friends to avoid ostracism. Marta took Paul’s remarks as an a ront that commanded her to assimilate or risk a social embargo, which she experienced as disrespect and met with further resistance. As they carefully unpacked the meaning of the concept of respect for each of them and how their requests to each other were emerging from wanting to deepen their respect, they both became very interested in understanding what informed their di erent expectations and thus nding distinct ways of “violating” their own values about what intimacy, respect, and the “right thing to do” meant in a marital relationship. What may have HW15409.indb 173 8/8/08 10:09:12 AM 174 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships been the source of injury and resentment has become for some couples a source of pride and strength as well as an invitation for each member to be attentive to the ways in which dominant social discourses impact their own relationship. Research is not de nitive about how acculturation bene ts or inhibits the well-being of those immigrating. We know even less about that process within the relational context. e age of immigration and length of residence of the Latino partner in the United States have an impact on acculturation. Latinos who immigrate before the age of 12 experience less acculturative stress and have better understanding of the nuances of American culture than their older family members in the United States or in the country of origin (Mena, Padilla, & Maldonado, 1987; Padilla, Alvarez, & Lindholm, 1986; Padilla, Wagatsuma, & Lindholm, 1985). However, acculturation is not the same thing as ethnic identity, and a Latino partner who is well acculturated in the United States may still perceive and experience discrimination, value, or take action based on machismo, or experience cultural homelessness, any of which may not be understood by the U.S. partner, especially if they seem contradictory to other aspects of the partner’s identity. For Latinos whose families are still in the country of origin, the marriage may also represent a loss via a weakening of the connection to the country of origin as well as to the extended family. When both partners have opportunities for involvement with the Latino partner’s culture of origin and with the host culture, the process of becoming acquainted with each other’s worlds is facilitated and the sense of loss of community can be minimized. Emerging Themes in the Life Cycle: The Discovery of New Meanings of Difference Intercultural couples o en minimize the importance of their di erences until something in the life cycle disrupts the misconception that di erences do not matter or informs one or both parties about the importance of di erence to their identities. e catalyst can be a common couple event such as coming to terms with gender role fantasies that the partners had about each other, the meanings they attribute to di erent communication styles, or expectations about the way children should be raised. Intercultural couples have to address challenges and milestones common to all couples as they move through the life cycle. eir cultural backgrounds determine the intensity of the challenge and the resources that HW15409.indb 174 8/8/08 10:09:12 AM Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 175 each partner will have available to resolve them. In this section, we discuss some of the emergent themes we have observed in Latino–non-Hispanic White couples. Courtship Differences and Family Responses to Dating Although all Latinos do not follow the same courtship practices in the United States or in their countries of origin, several couples identi ed themes about di erences between American and Latino dating patterns. Differences Between Traditional Latino Courtships and More Liberal American Dating Practices Many Latino partners from immigrant families tend to adhere to more traditional dating patterns than American partners, who tend to be more casual about dating. For example, a Dominican attorney, reared in a predominantly Latino community in the United States since age 9, reported that the courtship with her Irish American husband was di cult because of the protocol and behavior code expected by her family. Her ancée had to make signi cant adjustments to adhere to the traditional standards of Catholic Latino middle-class values, which included no premarital sex and more formality. is was di cult for both since the courtship lasted over 4 years. However, Francis’s capacity to appreciate Marissa’s dilemma with her extended family allowed him to, for the most part, respect the traditional dating patterns. However, not all couples follow this traditional protocol. A few Latina women, especially those who had moved away from traditional families to attend college, reported feeling “freer” and more comfortable dating American men than Latino men. ey felt less scrutiny about their behavior by American partners, compared to more traditional Latino males, on whom they projected parental standards. Personal and Family Fears Based on Stereotypes A frequently reported stereotype by Latina women is that American men have a sexual curiosity to nd out what it is like to date a Latina or Asian woman, but they are not as interested in nding out who the woman is on the “inside.” Extended families and friends reinforce the stereotype: HW15409.indb 175 8/8/08 10:09:12 AM 176 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships Latina mothers warn their daughters that American men don’t marry Latina girls. When marriage was proposed, a Dominican woman said her mother asked her if she was pregnant, as if this could be the only reason for the proposal! Ambivalence about intercultural dating also can come from the American side of the family. Tania, a Colombian reporter for a Latino newspaper, said that initially her in-laws disapproved of her relationship with their son, Robert. ey wanted him to marry someone from a “good family,” which meant someone from the same social class. But marked class di erences separated this couple. While her father’s job in a factory and her mother’s employment as a seamstress had supported Tania’s college education, Robert came from an upper-middle-class, highly educated family, largely unaware of their class privileges. Paradoxically, Tania and Robert identi ed their shared commitment toward social justice as a central aspect of their relational bond. Yet, blind spots emerged from their diverse social class backgrounds at the most unexpected places, producing discomfort in Tania. As one example, Tania, who never went out to dinner with her parents, much less to expensive restaurants, experienced inner con ict as she watched large amounts of money spent on one restaurant meal. In her family, whatever extra money was le over was shared with relatives in Colombia, and what was spent on just one restaurant meal could have made a tremendous di erence to a family in her home country. Most disturbing was how her future in-laws treated the servers; i.e., complaining about the food or returning a meal if it was not to their liking. Empathizing with the servers, who resembled her own family members, Tania did not enjoy these shared moments with her ancée’s family, who were polite but largely unaware of their class privilege. What if the nonWhite partner was low income and the Latino partner was from a wealthy family? Would the dynamics reverse? Or would the ethnic/outsider lens provide new class insights for the Latino partner? In this case, the triple marginalization of being a Latina from a family whose income was lower than that of the White male partner impacted the relational dynamics. Tania’s ability to name the marginalized discourse allowed Robert, who already was committed to social justice, to explore his blind spots and those of his parents. Furthermore, he was able to appreciate Tania’s personal emotional connection to the su ering of the poor and her resistance to wasting material resources he took for granted. In later visits, Jack took initiative in talking to his family about the strengths and realities of people who work very hard but are not wealthy and do not have access to resources that he enjoys. HW15409.indb 176 8/8/08 10:09:12 AM Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 177 However, talking to one’s parents is not possible for all couples. Changing Richard’s parents’ minds about his wife Gabriela was not possible. Richard’s parents, although proud of their daughter-in-law, see her as an “exception,” not as the rule of her group. Both Richard and Gabriela have opted to no longer try and convince his parents otherwise. ey are profoundly aware of the subtle and not-so-subtle ethnocentrism that colors his parents’ perceptions as well as others in the dominant culture. Richard, a well-educated journalist and writer, nds that his marriage to Gabriela provides redemption for his American identity in that he feels “less American.” rough various trips to Chile, he has looked at his world through a “foreigner lens” and this has added new insights about his American identity. To avoid the social constraints of her gender and class in her country, Gabriela, a writer, had, until she met Richard, chosen not to marry. She did not want to marry and settle with children as her parents expected of her a er she completed her education. Rather, Gabriela wanted to devote her life to giving voice to those without a voice through her work and writing. Constantly on the move, Gabriela’s father had described her as indomable (untameable). Richard and Gabriela nd that their marriage has provided the place where they both feel they can expand into being more of themselves. e perception of class can easily be misconstrued in intercultural couple relationships. Class status can be over- and underestimated by the American partner and family. In addition to being unfamiliar with the immigrant context or the social context in the country of origin of the Latino partner, many White Americans, under the in uence of the myth of equality, lack explicit conscious social class awareness. Class meanings are misunderstood when read through ethnocentric lenses. When John, a White U.S. ancé, rst visited his working class ancée’s family in Peru, he thought they were very poor compared to his American standards. en she took him to see what “poor” means in Peru. Moved by these di erences, John became an active fundraiser for the children in the community they visited. Conversely, another Peruvian woman reported that her husband’s family thought she came from a wealthy family because she had attended private schools and she grew up surrounded with domestic workers, common practices among middle-class families in South American countries. Along with class di erences, race and religion can foster ambivalence over intercultural dating. For some Latinos, marrying a person of lighter skin color is considered a move up the social ladder. e phrase mejorando la raza, improving the race, is invoked to signal approval of a light-skinned HW15409.indb 177 8/8/08 10:09:12 AM 178 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships partner—a bias shared by U.S. partners’ families. A Venezuelan physician said her husband’s family accepted her because she was White but was unsure if they would have if she had been Black. For them, the issue was not race or ethnicity but religion. Because of the value they placed on their Jewish heritage, his parents were concerned about how the children would be raised. Having a “good education” and career seemed to positively compensate for many di erences. Her awareness of subtle biases around race, class, and religion led her to questions her own biases around race and to explore with her husband more egalitarian stances around di erence in general. For them, embracing both their religions provided a more equalitarian solution. Interestingly, each of their two children is showing a preference of one faith over the other while being accepting of both. Couples confronting similar issues negotiated these di erences in multiple ways, sometimes through conversion, other times by embracing both faiths. Marriage: The Newlyweds By the time couples decide to wed, they have encountered some of the di erences that they will have to live with during their life together. For some, it may mean accepting the possibility of not returning to their country of origin and losing the close support of the extended family. For others it may mean a closer exploration of each others’ worlds within the U.S. context, while negotiating the boundaries they will erect around their own distinct worlds. And for others yet, it might be embracing both cultures and placing a boundary that includes both of them, their families, and their cultures. e rede nition of individual boundaries vis-à-vis the cultural self may include a decision about the name(s) one or both will take a er the wedding and where they will marry or live. Some couples married in the bride’s country of origin, while others had ceremonies in both countries, unless the Latino family was all in the United States. e choices open windows to new worlds for the couple, their families, and their friends. e outcome of these negotiations re ects the potential for intercultural couples to create an emergent relational resilience in which both members of the couple incorporate aspects of each other’s cultural backgrounds rather than a simplistic assimilation. Early in the marriage or courtship, each partner may have fantasies about the gender role of the other. However, just because gender roles are culturally ascribed does not mean they are the individual partner’s preferred HW15409.indb 178 8/8/08 10:09:13 AM Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 179 roles or that these roles won’t change in response to changes in context. For example, take the assumption that a Latina spouse will cook wonderful meals and cater to her husband’s needs while he is the provider. When he also expects her to work outside the home to help with the household expenses, she may be less able to single-handedly keep up with household chores and lavish meals. Many couples are challenging the dominant gender role assumptions from both their cultures. Unlike her female cousins who “do it all,” Maritza felt liberated from the oppressive aspects of gender with Michael, who did not expect her to cook all his meals and who helped with the laundry. Maritza’s brother Juan, on the other hand, married Judy, a free-spirited artist whose independence initially attracted him. Judy is less concerned with the day-to-day details of running a home, which was not an issue for him until the children arrived. Now Juan is beginning to voice a longing for the ways in which he was raised, wishing Judy was more like the women in his family. e ongoing dialectic around prescribed social and gender roles allows couples to stretch beyond original identities and to explore new ones, at times even daring to challenge the imposed constraints of the current social system. Becoming a New Unit: The Ongoing Negotiation of Cultural and Family Boundaries e couple and their extended families continue to explore each others’ worlds a er the marriage, and this includes being introduced to new foods, languages, and traditions. Some partners learn how to speak Spanish if they did not before. For many Latinas, extensive contact with their families of origin continues a er marriage. Contact takes place in the form of phone calls, visits, giving advice and opinions, and support in constructing the new home. Many Latinas reported talking to their mothers daily, sometimes more than once a day. e contact was perceived as wanted and supportive yet at times was also perceived as stressful. A Latina woman noted that when her mother visits for a few days, she rearranges her whole house and reorganizes her cabinets. Immigrant Latinos who are more used to extended family networks may not react as strongly to the loss of privacy during family visits as the partner who comes from a nuclear family background. Stress over the loss of privacy was greater in situations where families visited for extended periods, as in the case of transnational visits. Latina women o en felt caught between two worlds, trying to please HW15409.indb 179 8/8/08 10:09:13 AM 180 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships the family of origin by continuing the old world traditions and adapting to their partners’ new world. Latina women o en reported that their mothers had an investment in teaching them to be good wives and to cook well in order to please their husbands. However, many of the wives also felt that their husbands had di erent expectations of them than their families of origin. ese women enjoyed the more independent and egalitarian characteristics of their husbands, which were very di erent from their fathers when they were growing up. For working couples, negotiating the two worlds was particularly di cult during transnational visits because of how long they lasted. Language di erences made it more di cult to enjoy the whole process whether the visits were in the United States or the country of origin. Couples and families who were bilingual fared better. Couples who could a ord it opted to go on trips to their parents and relatives away from their present house as a way of reducing the potential stress associated with house visits. Communication and Interaction Styles Industrialized societies value individual rights and privacy and their communication and interactional styles re ect those values. Similarly, Latinos’ communication and interactional styles re ect the values of more traditional and collectivistic family structures. Intercultural couples are o en surprised by each other’s and their family members’ communication styles While one communication style may seem “enmeshed” to one partner, another may seem “disengaged” to the other. Nora’s Cuban family openly expressed their opinions and approved or disagreed with each other overtly. Richard, from a WASP background, felt overwhelmed with all the display of emotion, which looked to him like a “ ght.” He could not understand how Nora’s family could intensely disagree, raise their voices, and then go onto the next thing as if nothing had happened. He, instead, like his family, was reserved and polite, never expressing strong opinions, much less criticism. His respect for the privacy of others resulted in infrequent contact with his siblings and extended family, except for very special occasions. To Nora, this style looked “cold” and “disconnected,” and she found it hard to read messages that were not openly stated. e couple had to become versed in reading behavior through the lens of two di erent cultures and as a result created a more understanding relationship. HW15409.indb 180 8/8/08 10:09:13 AM Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 181 Language One signi cant aspect of communication is access to one’s primary language. To understand the meaning of language in a relationship, one must understand the role language plays in intimacy and in the power dynamics inside and outside the home. Language is intimately connected to one’s sense of identity and the experience of emotion. It is also the ticket that allows travel into each other’s worlds. Jonathan did not speak Spanish, and each time they visited Rosa’s family in Mexico, he felt excluded because of language. Everyone seemed to have a good time together, so he decided to learn the language. Acquiring the language had a positive impact in connecting more intimately with Rosa and with her family. For Margarita, reunions with her family or with Spanish-speaking friends from her country of origin were a struggle because her husband Bob did not speak the language. It was hard to have a normal conversation as she had to translate for both sides, and in the process, she lost her own voice. Language can become an especially serious problem when the immigrant partner does not speak English and her only access to the new context in the United States is through her spouse. Language di erence is not always a problem, however. Michael, who comes from a working-class background, does not feel comfortable with the academic conversations of his wife’s Latino colleagues. At these times, he does not mind being excluded from the conversation, hiding his class background behind a language di erence. He does not feel cut o from his in-laws because they speak English. Raising Children Intercultural di erences that did not cause di culty in the couple relationship can surface as a problem when the children are born. Partners may have di erent views on child-rearing or the attributes they value in the person they are raising, o en conforming to their own cultural values and identities. Di erences can emerge regarding the naming of children, what languages they will speak, and what child-rearing practices they will use. Suddenly, the values that sustained their parents may become of increased importance and nd a place within their own value systems. Although all relationships involve a certain degree of traveling into the unknown, immigrant partners may experience the di erences as a replication of the HW15409.indb 181 8/8/08 10:09:13 AM 182 Intercultural Couples: Exploring Diversity in Intimate Relationships immigration experience, only this time within the intimacy of the home. ese feelings can be further exacerbated later on when the children grow up more “American” than the immigrant parent, making him a minority within the home. Jack and Celia never had problems due to their cultural di erences until it came to raising their son. Jack felt that Celia overprotected the son and was not raising him to be an independent man—the very quality Celia most loved in Jack! Continued involvement with the extended Latino family, whether abroad or in the United States, helps to decrease feelings of alienation within the family, expanding identity possibilities for the children and providing support to the immigrant parent. is involvement, although o en valued, especially in relation to childcare, at times can be perceived as overinvolvement. is fact was accepted with humor by Richard and Nora, who said that each time her mother visits she rearranges the house and they can’t nd anything. e annoyance was compensated by the grandmother’s willingness to assist in childcare whenever and for as long as needed. As the grandchildren become older and reach their teens, Latino parents can nd themselves in the middle of “culture wars” between the American grandchildren and less acculturated grandparents who are critical of the parents for not having raised their children according to a traditional cultural standard. Interesting intergenerational and intercultural alliances can take place at this time, when Latino partners have realigned their positions with their American spouses to mediate these con icts. In general, there is a consensus among those we talked with that their Latino families are quite involved before the marriage and remain involved with the couple and the grandchildren a er marriage. Latinos are less likely than White Americans to place children out of the home or place the elderly in nursing homes and thus family can be a source of support when needed. But families can be a source of stress when the immigrant family members need to ful ll this demand in the U.S. context where the extended family may not be available as a support network. Conclusion What constitutes a signi cant di erence among intercultural couples is complex and evolving. Intercultural couples must negotiate the developmental and relational processes all couples and families face. But in addition, they must respond to the challenges colored by the idiosyncrasies of each partner’s cultural context and identity as well as that of the dominant HW15409.indb 182 8/8/08 10:09:13 AM Difference Among Latin Immigrant and Non-Hispanic White Couples 183 context in which they live. Many factors impact the construction of identity. For Latinos, the strength and quality of one’s ethnic identity, the perception and experience of discrimination, and the number of years in the United States are among the contributing factors. For non-Hispanic White partners, the extent to which they notice the role of power, privilege, and outsider experiences in constructing identities in uences how they see themselves and their partners. For the couple and their families, these factors dictate what is and is not considered “normal” and just. e couple’s awareness of these factors and how each responds to them will facilitate or impede their adjustment throughout the life cycle. e capacity of the partners to travel into each other’s worlds and appreciate each other’s experiences and how these may not be equal or neutral facilitates connection and growth. Diversity can only thrive in a globally interdependent world when people have multiple and complementary identities and belong not only to a local community and a country but also to humanity at large (Llerena-Quinn, 2001). Addressing imbalances in power helps to reduce threats and risks to the relationship. Root (2001) sees in these relationships a quiet revolution, a revolution of love that can change how we relate to each other, embracing our di erences and providing a solution to our race, gender, and ethnic inequalities. Note Au: 1992 or 1993? Please see refs? 1. 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